do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I only eat vegetarians.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Every work meeting this week
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.