It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
also my go-to takeaway order
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.