Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.