Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*