My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I hate everything
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*