i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
You Might Also Like
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Good point.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
the only organized thing in my life is crime