My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets