coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day