I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero