I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Not all heroes wear capes.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up