It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Looking at you, Jesus.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I saw nothing
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.