Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.