A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction