Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
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I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
you will never know the true number of layers
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Have kids, they said
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news