Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.