Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!