Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Some people were born into their job.
#parenting
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way