her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..