TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
You Might Also Like
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I鈥檒l call you later, relax.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
馃惀馃悾
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: I don鈥檛 understand why I鈥檓 not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it鈥檚 the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They鈥檙e vitamins!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[on a first date]
Her: I don鈥檛 like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
Wife: I鈥檓 trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They鈥檙e, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I鈥檓 gonna get what鈥檚 coming to me
mob boss: that鈥檚 not what I-
me: it鈥檚 my birthday
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn鈥檛 stop laughing because those two can鈥檛 find anything.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.