ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
You Might Also Like
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.