Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.