Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.