All. The. Damn. Time.
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I have so many questions.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
shut up and take my money
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
british sex workers really pound for pound
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*