Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*lint rolls you awake*
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar