I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I hope this email finds you in a well
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
This January has 47 Mondays
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow