5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.