I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…