ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.