No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?