My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!