My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.