I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it