[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
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[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I’m confused about plants
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies