Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11