Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
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Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order