This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My dating profile:
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.