Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys