“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.