Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Don’t frighten the programmers!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up