Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
You Might Also Like
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?