Buying a well is money well spent.
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Golf would be better with landmines.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
the saddest jazz hands ever
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.