At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
real
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.