My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable