I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Chemical wingman
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens