Van Gone
You Might Also Like
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
For the baby who has everything
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.