The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens