Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK