The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?