I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My dad is at it again
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.