[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
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I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real